“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.”
― Harper Lee, To Kill A Mockingbird
― Harper Lee, To Kill A Mockingbird
This school year has by no means been easy and still it is not. Just as I've jumped over one hurdle, another one randomly appears. I think the hardest thing I've had to face this year is my granddaddy's health. If you've ever met my granddaddy, Mr. Ray Neil Earle, then you know why he's my everything. Whether it's from his comical comments, his thousands of stories from growing up, his political views, or any number of things, you'll find a reason to love him. My granddaddy isn't just my granddaddy, he's like a dad to me. He's been there for every Christmas, every Easter egg hunt, every graduation, every dance recital, every prom picture, and throughout all of the boy drama. He's been there every step of the way from the very beginning. My granddaddy is strong and he's a fighter and I admire him for that. Every time he's been in the hospital, he's courageously fought back whatever he's fighting. He puts a smile on even through the needle injections. Through it all he's been tough. What's been hard is seeing that toughness wither away. If you truly know me, then you know I'm the most optimistic person you'll ever meet...so optimistic that it's gotten me in some pretty sticky situations before. None the less I am optimistic AF. The hardest thing is seeing reality slowly take over my optimism. Last May we celebrated my granddaddy's 80th birthday and it was a big hit. As May creeps up this year, my granddaddy turns the big 81. But in one year, a lot has changed. I don't really see the day to day change and I don't really see when he's sick because I'm at school most of the school year. Maybe I just haven't paid much attention to it because he's Granddaddy. That was until Spring break and Easter break. To me my granddaddy still has 15-20 years ahead of him. He still has to see me walk the stage for my college graduation, accept my first real teaching job, walk me down the aisle when I get married, and meet his great grandkids. There are many life events he still has to see me accomplish. But realistically that's not the case. He struggles everyday with the simplest things. He can't make it from his chair to the kitchen sink without being out of breath. Driving has become a hassle - to the point he's basically ready to give it up and has said he will when he turns 81 (that takes a lot to admit). A busy day for him consists of putting his shoes on, going to the post office to check the Earle's Chapel PO Box, going to the bank and coming home. He loves his yard but even sitting on a zero turn riding mower is too much for him now. Over Spring break he apologized to me for constantly complaining and moaning and it being difficult to put his seat belt on. He said sorry. He said he knows he's not what he used to be but he's trying. That killed me then. But another bullet was shot when during Easter break he said he felt useless and worthless. A man who has done everything for me and his family saying that is crazy. The hardest thing is seeing my granddaddy slow down faster than a cheetah catching a gazelle. I'm not there to see him. When I do he seems fine but it's what my mom reports to me that allows reality to slowly creep in. The hardest thing is not knowing when he'll take his last breath. It's not something I want to think about but I catch myself thinking about a lot. Maybe what I'm about to say will make sense and not offend anybody but I would almost prefer my granddaddy have cancer or something where he's given a timeline and I can prepare myself for that day or something. But with his condition you just don't know. Some days are super great and other days you wonder if he's going to make it to his chair. One family member said that their next visit would probably not be for a visit but for a funeral. The optimistic person inside me says lies! How dare you speak those words!! But truthfully and sadly, this person is probably right. The hardest thing is watching the person you love most slowly wither away and become weaker and know that there is nothing you can do but be by their side and give them lots of hugs and kisses. Every night I used to pray for his health to get better and for him to be stronger than ever before and for an attitude adjustment. Now I pray for him to be happy and free of pain. My granddaddy is everything to me. Every day gets harder and every day more tears are shed. Every day I want to go home and spend more time with him and catch those beautiful moments and beautiful breaths. I have a hero and he goes by granddaddy. XOXO,
A gearle who's witnessing the hardest thing she's ever faced.
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Abby & AndreaA college student trying to figure out the world with her mom by herside. Life through my lens (Abby). We all have different stories and these are only some of mine. Some funny, some adventurous, some hard. Sit back and relax. Enjoy. Archives
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