“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.”
― Harper Lee, To Kill A Mockingbird
― Harper Lee, To Kill A Mockingbird
2016 you have been one hellacious year. Let’s be real, the people have voted you off and we’re anxiously awaiting your replacement, 2017. We’re ready to tell you by and say hello to 2017. Out with the old and in with new! You get it friend? Personally, this year for me has been filled with many trials and tribulations. But I wasn’t the only one affected by you. You took out many amazing entertainment personalities that will forever live on in our hearts. Thank you to David Bowie, Prince, Carrie Fisher, Doris Roberts, Florence Henderson, George Michael, Muhammad Ali, Gene Wilder, Alan Rickman, Glen Frey, Harper Lee and too many others to list for all that you contributed to our lives. You brought with you Brexit, President-elect Trump, Russian hackers, the Brazilian football team Chapecoense Real plane crash, the death of Harambe the gorilla, multiple terrorist attacks both domestic and foreign, the conflict in Syria, exploding Galaxy Note phones, and exploding hover boards I guess you weren’t all bad though with the release of the new Beyonce and Bruno Mars albums, Adele’s concert tours, new chemotherapy breakthroughs in the fight against cancer, a decrease in child mortality, donations from the ice bucket challenge funding a potential ASL breakthrough, the iPhone 7, some would say Pokemon Go, and the release of two Star Wars movies. Personally though I took a big hit. I lost two important people in my life including my granddaddy. But here are sixteen things that I’m taking away from 2016 1. Life goes on after a death. I lost my granddaddy in 2016. He was my surrogate dad. He was always there for me. He was one of my biggest fans. I was devastated when he passed. I didn’t even want to go back to London and once there, often times I just wanted to come home. But through the adventures in London and calling my mom crying because of something that reminded me of my granddaddy or something I remembered he would never get to do again, I learned that life goes on. Life didn’t just stop to mourn his death, no it just kept going on. Even though I’m going to miss him dearly, it’s time for new traditions and new adventures. His legacy and memories will always live on. 2. Life goes on after a break up. After a long ten months of on again and off again confusion, a story finally came to an end. After getting back together for the umpteenth time and finally thinking it was perfect and it was going to work out, it didn’t. After no contact for over a month and being told through the grapevine he had another girlfriend, it was official. Though no words were spoken between either party, it had come to an end. Following the breakup I focused all of my attention on my granddaddy’s failing health, my two summer jobs, and on me. I learned life goes on after a breakup and what really matters is how you handle it afterwards. I came out better and happier than I was going into it. Often times I have to thank my ex for pushing me to become this better version of myself. I will never have hard feelings about the whole situation and I will always wish happiness his way. He’s a smart kid and I know one day he’ll make a difference in this world. 3. I can be independent. While being in London I learned to be independent. My internship required me to be independent. I had to ride the tube to and from Acton Town twice a week. An hour and half round trip when the tubes were working and on time gave me the confidence to explore other parts of London by myself. When I needed to go somewhere or wanted to go somewhere but couldn’t find someone to go with me I learned that I could do it all by myself. 4. I learned to be happy with myself. During the summer amongst all that was going on and all the tears that were being shed from everything going on, I learned at the end of the day the only person who is going to make me happy at this time in my life is me. I learned to work on myself and love myself. I learned to become happy with the person I was becoming. Now writing this or you reading this, I’ve never been happier and prouder of myself. I am happy with myself. 5. I can navigate a large foreign city by myself. Citymapper became my best friend in London! If you’ve ever traveled to a huge daunting city it can be pretty scary. It’s one thing to drive in Dallas or Atlanta traffic but it’s another thing to be a pedestrian in a huge city where you’re fighting for room to walk on the pavement (sidewalk) and keep up with the pace or squeeze yourself on the tube (basically a subway) during rush hour or find a place to stand or sit on a bus. Not only this but if you’re a pedestrian you can’t find street signs, cars are coming from opposite directions and black cabs love to use their horns at you. After being in London I can proudly say I learned how to navigate a large foreign city or at least survive it by myself. 6. British people are nice. Contrary to popular belief British people are quite nice. The only difference is they love to use the f word and they don’t have the same southern hospitality manners I am accustomed to. They don’t care about your cat Lulu and the cashier doesn’t care to know your life story. They’re just people who keep to themselves, which I actually like - though if you’re lucky then you’ll meet an amazing Brit who you can call you’re best friend. Finn and I battled walking through streets at rush hour and survived political talk about Brexit and American politics and also walking outside of zone 2 and figuring out how to get back to Kings Cross at night. And if you’re super lucky they’ll have a Christmas sweater that lights up! So don’t be scared to meet British people or Londoners, they’re pretty rad. 7. I learned working in retail positions is difficult and the public can be challenging. The summer of 2016 I had two awesome job opportunities. I was able to work at a local bakery and shoe store. Some days I would work from seven in the morning to eight at night. Both jobs required working with the public and I quickly learned that the public can be very cruel and at the end of the day the customer really is always right, no ifs ands or buts. Just accept it. Somehow though I managed to keep a smile on my face and I really grew to understand and respect those who work minimum wage jobs full time. 8. I learned that I can lose weight when I set my mind to it. If you know me then you know I’ve always battled with my weight. I was always the chunkiest in my dance classes and often times the chunkiest of my friends. I went through times when I would not eat anything or I would eat everything in site. This summer I discovered that with a lot of will power, a good eating plan, and the help from a Fitbit, it is possible to lose weight. Since June of 2016 I’ve lost about fifty pounds and I still have a ways to go but it truly is possible to lose weight in a healthy way, which is something I’ve always struggled with. 9. I learned to live on a budget. Because I knew I wasn’t going to be able to work while in London, I knew my only source of money was going to be from the two jobs I worked this summer. At the end of the summer I took stock of how much money I had and figured out how much money I could spend each week. From that I learned unexpected costs will always come up so beware or you may have to phone home. But, for the most part, I truly did survive on my summer earnings due to careful budgeting and a few sacrifices! 10. I learned I don’t need my phone 24/7. This one is self explanatory. While in London I put my phone down and picked up a book. I now detest using my phone and driving (public transportation has my heart). 11. It’s difficult to change people’s opinion especially when it comes to politics. Even though the Republicans had a horrible candidate that was racist, a liar, sexist, uncouth and downright unfit to be president, they still supported him and elected him president just because he claimed to be Republican (even though Hillary won the popular vote and the electoral college vote is outdated). It was impossible to change their mind and convince them to vote for anyone other than their party addiction. 12. I learned that racism still exists on a pretty big level in the US even though many of you strongly disagree. Walk in a person of color’s shoes for a few days and you may change your mind and see all the subtle and not so subtle racism that you believe doesn't exist. 13. I learned that racist behavior is not new even though it seems many people believe it is. Racism has been alive since the dawn of time and I can only hope that one day it will cease to exist. During this election though, I learned just how naive people are. We mistakenly believed that the race issue was getting better but then we got a presidential candidate that pretty much made blatant racism a thing again. We see more racist behavior or choose not to see it in the media because we now have cell phones that can record everything that has always been happening. This racism has always been here but no one had proof of it until now. It’s no longer he said she said. It’s all out there for the world to witness now. 14. I learned when you fall in mud just roll with it and you’ll later laugh at the memory. While in Scotland feeding and petting reindeer, I took a nasty fall into very cold mud that probably had reindeer poop in it. I cried and was so embarrassed when it happened but now I look back and laugh. Shout out to Anna for helping me and to Quinn and Kat for making memes. It actually hurts that I don’t have a glorious photo of me covered in mud and poop. When you fall in life just roll with it, make a meme, and shake it off 15. I learned I love veggie burgers. Don’t knock’em till you’ve tried them. No seriously I challenge you to try a veggie burger in this new year. I found that veggie burgers are often times better than the real thing. They’re also much healthier. 16. I learned how to cook British food. With the help of my phenomenal internship and some amazing students, I learned how to cook traditional British food. Though many people find it bland, I actually really enjoyed it. Don’t ask me how many cookbooks I came home with. And one to grow on - after a beautiful explosion, light and beauty always follow the darkness. Tonight fireworks will explode and bottles will be opened and kisses will be shared and after all of this a new year begins. I learned that light and beauty always follow after darkness and an explosion. Here’s to hoping 2017 is filled with beauty and light.
XOXO, A gearle who now knows sixteen more things.
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Tonight I let myself cry for the first time. I don't know why now. I don't know why after a month and a half I let my guard down. Maybe it was the perfect combination of looking out my window and seeing the rain drops hit my window. Or maybe it was the fact that no cars were passing and it was an empty, silent street and I was alone in my room. Much like my heart is empty and silent and I feel alone. Maybe it's the stress from this week. I don't know. Tonight I realized that my granddaddy is truly gone. That the man who raised me and let me take naps in his arms. The man who watched me grow up. The man who allowed me to travel the world with him. The man who knew all the family history. The man who would roll his eyes at me spending $4.00 on a fancy coffee. The first man that I truly loved and look up to is no longer around. I can't ask him questions about old photos. I can't ask him about his and my granny's love story. I can't ask him how to start a garden. I can't ask him about politics. I can't bake him peanutbutter cookies or peach cobbler or german chocolate cake ever again. I can't hear his enthiusiam about homemade ice cream and him talk about me going to college. I can't ever hear him laugh his smooth joyful life. No all I can do is tremble at the thought of this. All I'm thinking now is I should have said more. I should have asked more questions. I should have called him before I boarded the plane. I should have given him a bigger and tighter hug before I left. I should have loved him more - I should have shown him more. Tonight I relived the moment my mom called me on Monday 29th of August 2016. I was back in the bathroom getting dressed for that days excurssion and I knew it. I knew it the moment my fitbit started buzzing and I saw the words "Mamma Bear...Mommy" flash across it wasn't good. Why was my mom calling me at 2A.M. her time? I answered the phone and she was so calm. There was almost a laugh of disbelief in her voice. And before she could say it I knew what was coming. And I heard her voice say, "I'm going to ruin your morning but Granddaddy...he passed away Gardendale called..." And while she was saying those words I could here my granddaddy's voice on the phone saying, "Your mother, she's not breathing. She's cold. She won't move." And we rushed downstairs. And I saw my granny except this time I saw my granddaddy like I had seen him so many times in the hospital. I sat down on the toilet and I didn't believe it. I haven't believed it. The funeral was not real. I didn't fly home. I didn't. None of it was true. It was all a dreamm I'm going to come home from London and my granddaddy is going to be waiting with open arms and he's going to ask, "Did you have some fish and chips?" Except tonight I realized that that's not true. That it did happen. That the man I loved the most is gone. That this feeling....this feeling is significantly greater than losing the boy I loved. Allow me to go through last year all over again but don't THIS be true... that he's gone. This time, this time my best friend, my hero, my granddaddy, my father was stolen and I don't know why. (Except I do know why and he wasn't stolen but it feels that way.) Tonight I've cried and I've trembled and I've snotted all over my laptop and comforter and I don't feel any better. I feel defeated. I feel lost. I feel empty. I feel alone. Tonight I want my granddaddy to hold my hand. I want to walk in a garden with him. The only song that sticks with me right now is: I come to the garden alone While the dew is still on roses And the voice I hear falling On my ear the son of God discloses And He walks with me and He talks with me And He tells me I am His own And the joy we share as we tarry there None other has ever known He speaks and the sound of His voice Is so sweet the birds hush their singing And the melody that He gave to me Within my heart is ringing This is me trying to figure out how I'm going to go on without him. Me uncertain of the future. Me just barely getting by. And the photo of him, well that's just my granddaddy frustrated that he was stranded in a canyon in Hawaii and thinking we were going to miss our boat. Dear Granddaddy,
There's a note that you have that only you and me know what's in it. Only you and I know the deep meaning that's behind it. You were laid to rest with it. Everything in it is true and everything I've ever promised will come true. I want to thank you for raising my mom to be such an amazing woman. Thank you for giving her the memories that she has. Thank you for being an unbelievable father to three amazing kids. Thank you for letting my mom and I spend the last six years with us. Thank you for helping raise me. Thank you for talking politics with me. Thank you for all you taught me. Thank you for always believing in me. Thank you for attending all my dance recitals whether they were 3 minutes away, thirty miles away, or 700 miles away. I hope you know how much you truly mean to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you, thank you, thank you. - Your favorite granddaughter P.s. - Next time I'm in Zilker Park please help my kite fly high. Let it reach the stars. Let it fly high like you have. https://www.facebook.com/abby.earle.7/videos/1444558458893003/?l=6172919490742590496 Thank you for helping raise me. (This video means everything to me. That's why I've added the link.) Tonight I let myself cry. Tonight I truly grieved for the first time. I know it won't be the last time and I'll have to be okay with that. Tonight I hurt. Tonight I'm in more emotional and physical pain than I knew I could be. I feel more alone than I ever have. My family is 4000 miles away and it's still another two months before I see them. This is hard. It's hard going forward alone. So how am I doing? A part of me has died and gone else where. I hurt and I'm scared. I wish I could be postive and optimistic in this but I can't. Not right now. Until next time, (I'm sorry but no XOXO this time) Abigail I did not intend to write this blog today. The original was going to be about my generation but as an old or current (I'm not really sure) friend used to sing, the times are a changin'. The next two (potential three) pieces I have are about how the times are a changin' - both personal and in the world. Today's piece kicks off with a quote by R.H., "Nothing hurts more than trying your absolute best and still not being good enough." Reality Is Still Sinking InIf you've been keeping up with me then you know that my granddaddy has a big influence on me. Within the first ten minutes of getting to know me, I'll probably have mentioned my granddaddy two or three times. In the last installment (here), I talked about how hard it is for the reality of my grandad's health to sink in. Sadly reality has continued to sink in and my optimism is fading. For the first time I'm having to be a realist. That's hard. But don't get me wrong I'm still an optimist but I'm learning the fine line between the two. I can be optimistic about the future but I still have to face what stands in front of me. Sadly Doctors Don't Have The Cure and Answer for EverythingWednesday May 18, 2016 I don't think I've ever seen my granddaddy with a more grumpy attitude than he had that evening. Nothing we could say or do seemed to satisfy him. In fact, it seemed he would only get more agitated with us in our efforts to help. And then the yelling came and the curse words. I was confused and hurt because for a moment it seemed like a monster had jumped into his body and took over. (And since Wednesday, this same monster has come and gone three times.) It was finally revealed to us that night that his cardiologist told him that his heart problem can not be fixed. He would just have to live with it. He would continue to grow tired more easily and be short of breath more often. And then there is his cough. It appears that nothing can be done about that either and that he'll continue to have these coughing spells that leave him gasping for air and even interferes with his ability to eat. Also recently his memory seems to have started to fade. He can't remember to do simple tasks - like making phone calls or remembering where he put things. Though we all have little moments similar to this, it irritates him more so because he already can not do what he used to be able to do and what little he can still do, he can't remember to do. And there's nothing the doctors can do. He tries so hard but he just gets so frustrated. He tries his best but he doesn't think it or he is good enough. The days are getting longer and time is passing by. What he used to know is changing everyday. His world isn't what it used to be five months ago or one year ago much less 5, 10, or 15 years ago. What used to take two minutes takes fifteen minutes. What we consider a slow or boring day is a very busy day for him. Time is flying by and passing him but he is only slowing down. Earth is still spinning at 1000 miles every day and my hero has to leave twenty or thirty minutes early when he goes places so he's able to walk and not get in a hurry and fall. What Can I Do? What Can You Do?Have you thought about what you or I may take for granted but is a big deal to other people? Here's a scenario: I'm running late so I grab my sandals and run out the door to my car and sit down and speed off. While someone who is 80 if they're late they can't hurry because they may fall or it takes 15 minutes to put shoes on. Their fastest pace is what a toddler might walk. We're young. You're young. I'm young. But we're rushing everywhere. What if we take time and see the beauty in things.
Time is flying by. Enjoy the moments. Enjoy the little things. Instead of getting frustrated and upset when an elderly person is driving slow or an elderly person is walking across the street at Wal-Mart (or wherever) just be patient. And remember that will be you some day. Ask them if they need any help. Please stop trying to grow up. Please stop being in a hurry. Please stop trying to past time because the day where you can't remember and move as fast as you were once able to will be here before you know it. Your grandchild, who loves you dearly and looks up to you and aspires to find someone like you, will see you suffering. And she'll pray every night that you're able to remember things, and won't get frustrated and cuss, and that you can breathe properly, and gain your strength back. She'll pray that you're not in pain and that you're happy even if that means... XOXO, A Gearle Who Wishes Time Would Slow Down This school year has by no means been easy and still it is not. Just as I've jumped over one hurdle, another one randomly appears. I think the hardest thing I've had to face this year is my granddaddy's health. If you've ever met my granddaddy, Mr. Ray Neil Earle, then you know why he's my everything. Whether it's from his comical comments, his thousands of stories from growing up, his political views, or any number of things, you'll find a reason to love him. My granddaddy isn't just my granddaddy, he's like a dad to me. He's been there for every Christmas, every Easter egg hunt, every graduation, every dance recital, every prom picture, and throughout all of the boy drama. He's been there every step of the way from the very beginning. My granddaddy is strong and he's a fighter and I admire him for that. Every time he's been in the hospital, he's courageously fought back whatever he's fighting. He puts a smile on even through the needle injections. Through it all he's been tough. What's been hard is seeing that toughness wither away. If you truly know me, then you know I'm the most optimistic person you'll ever meet...so optimistic that it's gotten me in some pretty sticky situations before. None the less I am optimistic AF. The hardest thing is seeing reality slowly take over my optimism. Last May we celebrated my granddaddy's 80th birthday and it was a big hit. As May creeps up this year, my granddaddy turns the big 81. But in one year, a lot has changed. I don't really see the day to day change and I don't really see when he's sick because I'm at school most of the school year. Maybe I just haven't paid much attention to it because he's Granddaddy. That was until Spring break and Easter break. To me my granddaddy still has 15-20 years ahead of him. He still has to see me walk the stage for my college graduation, accept my first real teaching job, walk me down the aisle when I get married, and meet his great grandkids. There are many life events he still has to see me accomplish. But realistically that's not the case. He struggles everyday with the simplest things. He can't make it from his chair to the kitchen sink without being out of breath. Driving has become a hassle - to the point he's basically ready to give it up and has said he will when he turns 81 (that takes a lot to admit). A busy day for him consists of putting his shoes on, going to the post office to check the Earle's Chapel PO Box, going to the bank and coming home. He loves his yard but even sitting on a zero turn riding mower is too much for him now. Over Spring break he apologized to me for constantly complaining and moaning and it being difficult to put his seat belt on. He said sorry. He said he knows he's not what he used to be but he's trying. That killed me then. But another bullet was shot when during Easter break he said he felt useless and worthless. A man who has done everything for me and his family saying that is crazy. The hardest thing is seeing my granddaddy slow down faster than a cheetah catching a gazelle. I'm not there to see him. When I do he seems fine but it's what my mom reports to me that allows reality to slowly creep in. The hardest thing is not knowing when he'll take his last breath. It's not something I want to think about but I catch myself thinking about a lot. Maybe what I'm about to say will make sense and not offend anybody but I would almost prefer my granddaddy have cancer or something where he's given a timeline and I can prepare myself for that day or something. But with his condition you just don't know. Some days are super great and other days you wonder if he's going to make it to his chair. One family member said that their next visit would probably not be for a visit but for a funeral. The optimistic person inside me says lies! How dare you speak those words!! But truthfully and sadly, this person is probably right. The hardest thing is watching the person you love most slowly wither away and become weaker and know that there is nothing you can do but be by their side and give them lots of hugs and kisses. Every night I used to pray for his health to get better and for him to be stronger than ever before and for an attitude adjustment. Now I pray for him to be happy and free of pain. My granddaddy is everything to me. Every day gets harder and every day more tears are shed. Every day I want to go home and spend more time with him and catch those beautiful moments and beautiful breaths. I have a hero and he goes by granddaddy. XOXO,
A gearle who's witnessing the hardest thing she's ever faced. 2015 was the best and worse year yet to come. It seems like it was just a few months ago that I was bringing in the new year with my favorite people and at the time the new year looked promising but little did I know in a few short months things would start shifting in different directions. This year I figured out that I wanted to teach Culinary Arts and that maybe Southwestern wasn't the place I was meant to be. I learned people will believe anything they hear/read - have you seen some of the politcal stories floating around? I figured out that I truly have a passion for baking. I figured out that I'd rather give my everything than to get anything in return. 1. Even when people aren't nice to you, being nice to them is the best thing you can do. 2. Forgive and don't hate. Hating does no good. 3. The best thing you can do is pray. 4. It's the little moments that count. 5. Smiling can accomplish a lot. 6. Sometimes you can't tell people what to do. 7. It's never too late to fix a mistake or mistakes. 8. Treat yourself, because sometimes it's just what you need. 9. Positivity goes further than you think. Without being positive, I'm not sure how I would have made it through the last few months. 10. Seasons change and so do people and that's okay. 11. People will say any and everything to make themselves feel better. 12. The most toxic things sometimes are not things but people. Though some people will read this and think one thing, I can assure you it's not what you're thinking. 13. Don't let irrelevant people control your happiness. If you love something go after it. 14. I laugh so I don't cry. My bffl explained this to me. I find myself looking back on this year and I laugh and I laugh so I don't have to cry again and again. 15. Some people are worth melting for. No matter how much stress one person can give you, sometimes they are worth it all. 16. It's okay to be lonely. I found a letter that I thought I had lost and when I read it I cried. I learned in that moment that it was okay to be lonely and just take a moment and cry. 17. Everything happens for a reason. This next one is more something to remember in the new year. 18. God has a plan and you have to trust it.
This year I have come to expect the unexpected because everytime I thought I understood things, the opposite would happen next. I wouldn't change this year because I grew as a person and I learned a lot. I only hope that things can get better from this point. I'm hopeful and optimistc about the next year. XOXO, A Gearle Last night I went for the longest run by myself. I ran once around the campus (my path is about 1.25 miles) and I ran the fastest I ever have. I ran that in 11 minutes and 07 seconds. Half way through my run on campus I called my mom and asked if it was okay to run off campus - I asked because I run at night. She said as long as I ran in an area of light. So I ran down univeristy avenue until I got to the interstate crossing. I ran over the bridge and stopped where the cars come off, as if they were going to head to the univeristy. I contemplated whether or not to run further. I wanted to run as far as I could. At that moment I wanted to get as far away from campus that I could take myself. I wanted to get away from the tests, the essays, the anxiety, the unaswered questions, my commitments, the pessimistics, the I told yous. For an hour and ten minutes I was able to escape. It was me, my music, and the pounding of my heart. I didn't know if it was sweat running down my cheek or tears. Sometime last week I posted this to facebook: I can't run away from all that's happened/ is happening but I can go for a run which makes me happy. For an hour it's me and my music and the sound of my heartbeat. When you exercise endorphins in the brain are released. Endorphins act as a natural "drug" that make a person more energetic, more awake and, yes, happier. The endorphins can kick in during run, after a workout or both, and are generally referred to as a "runner's high." Get active and go for a run, it'll make you feel better. After I've gone for my run I come back to my dorm and I think about everything - school, organizations, life. You name it and it's probably crossed my mind. I run at night because it's the last thing I do in the day (plus not an many people can see my awful self running). I've gone for runs at nine, eleven and even later. Why do I run at night? Because like you read earlier exercising releases endorphins and those endorphins act as a natrual drug and you get this "runer high". For the last thirty minutes of my day while I'm picking my outfit for the next day, packing my bag for my classes, talking to my mom, and taking a shower I'm happy. I go to bed happy. The last thing I do before I go to bed is pray and then I go to bed with a smile. This happiness gives me hope and optimism for the next day. I'm writing this today to tell you that if you're ever feeling down or need to escape to go for a run. It's the best thing you can do. Not only is it healthy but I can promise you're going to feel a lot better after you do it. Every day I look forward to my runs. I count down the minutes until I've finished my homework or my organizations for the day. The best part is you get to decide how much you run and when you stop - no one else can tell you that. You can go by yourself or a friend. I have this app called Runkeeper and I highly suggest you use it if you go running. Every five minutes it tells me of my progress and at the end of my run it tells me if I've beat any of my previous runs - distance, time, average pace, etc. It's great. So far in the last seven days I've ran 15.4 miles. Every day the runs become better and easier. Go out and go for a run! Start a new hobby. Get up and go! Life is too short to sit around and be a couch potato.
Have a terrific Thursday! XOXO, Running Gearle Have you ever felt like everything in life that could go wrong is going wrong? Have you ever hit rock bottom? Have you ever felt hopeless? Alone? Confused? Overwhelmed? Betrayed? Ignored? Have you ever felt like everything in the universe is going against you?
Have you ever felt happy? Relieved? Proud? Simple? Cherished? Loved? Have you ever found the answer? Have you ever not felt anything at all? Have you ever felt every emotion at once? Both happened today. I can cry but I can’t tell you the emotion I’m crying for. I thought the worst day of my life was when I hit rock bottom in seventh grade when I had been physically and verbally bullied. Then I thought the worst day of my life was when my granny never woke up on Christmas break. Then I thought the worst day of my life was sitting in the Dean of Students office and having my world shaken up. Then today happened, and nothing compares to what happened today. I don’t even know where to go from here, both for the blog and my life. On the outside my eyes are puffy but I’m smiling and I’m good. On the inside I’m drowning and just when I catch my breath another wave slaps me in the face. But it’s not just a wave. It's the sand as well. The sand gets in my mouth and I can’t breathe. I literally know how that feels. Fun story time: When I was about five or six I collected seashells. Me, my mom, and my grandparents went to a beach. I had my plastic bag and I was ready to hunt. I remember putting my feet in the water and going out to my ankles. Then I saw this big wave and I ran away from it except it was faster than me. It caught me off balance and I literally fell face forward and the wave went over my head and the sand collected in my mouth. Not only do I feel like I’m drowning but I also feel like no one is there to catch me. I know what that feels like too. Story time again: When I was maybe four or five or five or six my mom and I walked to the park that was by our house. They had a jungle gym. My mom would hold my feet and I would “climb the monkey bars”. One day I was feeling adventurous and wanted to try the swinging monkey bars by myself (except I still wanted my mom's help) and so my mom helped me to the monkey bars and in an instance everything turned wrong. At the right moment I lifted my arm to change swings and my mom let go of my feet, I hit the ground hard. I was bloody from head to toe, the worst part was I still had to walk home - four blocks. I remember that feeling because it was first time I gasped for air, had the wind knocked out of me and lost the trust of someone. I think back to these memories and I’d rather experience them all over again than what I went through today. Nothing prepares you for the moment the breath is knocked out of you and then you begin to drown. Today I was defeated in more ways than just one or even two. Today a beast that’s been brewing and growing was released. I know that from this day forward, I’ll never be the same again. Much of the old Abby is gone and may never be back. Today I felt emotions that I didn’t think I could ever feel. I experienced emotions that I’ve never experienced before. Without going into much detail I went into a meeting fighting with every ounce in my body to fix something and praying and hoping for the best outcome that I thought we both wanted and an hour and a half later I was dumb struck. I was at a loss for words. I didn’t want to believe anything that I was hearing. I have never felt so betrayed in all my life. Everything that someone had been telling me was a lie. How could he do that to me? I trusted him. I believed in him. But all he had for me was lies. Is it even lies though? Was it the truth and now he's covering? Is it still the truth? ****************************************************************************** After taking an hour to think and ponder and ride home I’ve come up with how I can describe what I feel. If anyone knows me they know that my three goals in life are: 1.) Living in three centuries. I only have to live until I’m 104. 2.) Going to a Taylor Swift concert/ meeting her. 3.) Having an oval office. Look back at number two. Taylor Swift is my role model. She’s amazing. I know everything about her. In 2013 she came out with the album named Red. The title of the album was named Red because all of the emotions portrayed in her songs were that of red. That’s how I feel - red. I’m furious, I’m angry, I have passion, I’m still in love, I’m dead, I’m bleeding, I’m regretful, I’m hurting, I’m scared, I’m stopped in time, I’m betrayed, I’m at war. I am RED. Red is everything. Red is love, red is passion, red is anger. Red. I use to think of myself as pink or yellow. Very happy and blissful. I was very optimistic. Now I’m stuck. I can not comprehend. I’m going to be basic - I can’t even. Earlier in the year I had plans of going to a Taylor Swift concert but things changed. I was so excited and started planning. I saw where a girl made a poster of all of T-Swift’s songs on that particular album as a poster for the concert. I decided to do the same thing for her 1989 tour. When I wrote this almost a month ago I looked at it and thought wow it’s kind of dark. I was surprised. Everything was great at the time. When writing this blog I remembered what I had written. All of this is true now except the last 26 words. Welcome to New York where your Wildest Dreams can come true. I came Out of the Woods to escape the Bad Blood we had. I needed to get Clean. This Love was more tragic than an out of Style Michael Kores purse. I Wish You Would have chosen me. All You Had to Do Was Stay. I Know Places we could have gone to Shake It Off. But in the end you left a Blank Space in my heart and you went off wondering who your next victim would be. How You Get the Girl next I pray isn’t as destructive as you got me. ****************************************************************************** Tonight I’m leaving on this note. My best friend has a picture to remember her last moment with her love and all I have is a memory of us rushing to class. Pictures can last forever and memories fade. Who even knows if the last words I read were actually yours since your friends are so good at stealing your phone. They were different from any other sorry or “goodbye” that I’ve ever received from you. But perhaps they were because I never thought you would have betray me like you did either or did you not? What am I left to believe and think? Where am I left to go? Who am I left to talk to? What do I do? |
Abby & AndreaA college student trying to figure out the world with her mom by herside. Life through my lens (Abby). We all have different stories and these are only some of mine. Some funny, some adventurous, some hard. Sit back and relax. Enjoy. Archives
March 2018
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