“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.”
― Harper Lee, To Kill A Mockingbird
― Harper Lee, To Kill A Mockingbird
DOES THIS THING STILL WORK? It's been over a year since anyone has logged into this thing. Logging in almost felt like finding my granddaddy's polaroid camera. I found his camera in a "hole" in the wall. I blew off the dust, tinkered with it, shook it some, and crossed my fingers it would still work. Sadly it doesn't. Anyway, obviously logging into this blog was a lot easier...sort of... kind of. Okay you caught me, I had to try the password three times and almost had to reset it. So what's happened in a year and why am I cranking this blog back up? First I'll give some quick highlights about the last eighteen months and explain briefly why the blog is back in action. Quick Highlights1. I GOT A DOG (and so did my mom) Meet Rayce and Joy! They have brought so much joy and love into our lives. I got a dog because I have ALWAYS wanted one and also because it was suggested by my therapist that a dog would help with my anxiety and depression. She was right! The quality of my life has gotten so much better. 2. I WENT TO A TAYLOR SWIFT CONCERT Yep! That's right! You read that correctly. I fulfilled one of my bucket list items. I WENT TO A TAYLOR SWIFT CONCERT!!! Now I just have to live until I'm 104 so I can say I lived in three centuries. In those 104 years I also have to either be elected or run for governor, secretary of education or President of the United States 3. I GOT ENGAGED TO THE LOVE OF MY LIFE I could write an entire post about him but all I'll say is he is the perfect man. He's sweet, kind, gentle, patient, loving and so supportive. My granddaddy would 100% approve and my mother does approve. 4. I GRADUATED COLLEGE On May 11, 2019 I graduated from Southwestern University with a Bachelor of Science in Education. Woo! Five years (and a lot of debt) later and I'm a proud alumna of Southwestern University. So why blog again?The burning question - why am I/ my mom and me blogging again? The answer is really simple. We're doing WW - Weight Watchers Reimagined. We've decided to crank this bad boy up to keep ourselves accountable. We're going to share our journey to a better and healthier lifestyle. If we've got some eyes watching us then it's going to be a little easier to say no to that half price shake at Sonic. So far we've been on WW for 4.5 months and together we've lost 45lbs. Woo-hoo! A quick run down on our plan. We're both rollin' on a budget and just doing the digital version that's $19.99/mo. I get 23 points a day and my mom gets 37 points. We've both really enjoyed it. Mom says it's nothing like when she did WW back in the day. There's now over 200 zero point foods - all fruits, veggies, beans, most seafood and chicken breast. So many options!! Wowzers. Anyways, I'll wrap up this blog. We've slacked the last month and that's okay because we're getting back on track. We'll blog once or twice a week sharing our favorite recipes. And no I won't give you some long story about the recipe that you have to scroll through. I'll just crack a joke and give you the recipe! Follow us on Instagram @gearlesgettinghealthy
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When someone does you wrong, it hurts. When someone betrays you, it hurts. When the people that are suppose to be close to you betray you, you're shattered. It cuts you deeper than the Grand Canyon. It leaves you asking questions and picking up pieces. You're upset, you're mad, but mostly you're hurt.
Often times when people have hurt me in the past I just let it go and move on with my life. I've always just smiled and forgiven them. It's always been mostly easy. Except...except for two people. For months and years (in both cases) I prayed to God to give me the strength to forgive them. I always knew that forgiving them helped me and not them. It does me no good being upset or to harp on the past. It only hurts me. For a while, I always thought I had forgiven them. I hadn't. I was lying to myself. I was lying to myself so I wouldn't have to face the pain, so I wouldn't have to think about the past, so I could forget about it all. I always dreamed about the day I would forgive them. I always thought I would feel a weight lifted off of me and I could just smile on. I could see it, I could imagine it, I could feel it. That wasn't the feeling. On March 30 at 11:19 it happened. I forgave them. This huge wave of power and strength came over me. I knew it was time. I cried - I still am crying. I felt sick to my stomach and still do. I'm shaking. It's scary. I am scared. BUT I am ready. I forgive them with my whole heart and every fiber in me. This is a new feeling. A new journey awaits me. I'm anxious. I'm nervous but excited. Ephesians 4:32 says, "And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ." I can forgive them because He forgives me. I forgive you _____ and _____ . Thank you. XOXO, A Gearle who forgives I remember like it was yesterday, a day that would bring an everyday battle into my life. If you entered the cafeteria from the high school side there on the left was the girls bathroom. Three stalls painted some color or maroon, white or black. One sink with a mirror above it and a paper towel dispenser to the right of the sink. I was wearing my blue fuzzy jacket that I thought looked enough like a Columbia jacket that could be cool. Two other girls were in the bathroom as well - my two friends. They were wearing a black and white polo. I watched them look in the mirror and critique their bodies. I would say their sizes were between a two and a four. They were tiny. No fat, at least not like the amount I had. They stood in the mirror and said how fat they were. How big they were. How ugly they were. I looked at them and heard their words and aspired to be their size compared to my 1XL shirt and size eighteen pants. I heard those words and looked at myself and thought to myself what am I then? I’m huge. I’m an elephant, a hippo, a rhino. I. AM. THE. FAT. ONE. The boys in seventh grade were right. The earth does shake when I walk.
I don’t remember when it started. I don’t know if it started the next day or the next. I know that from that day I started the biggest battle of my life. A battle I fight every day. Someday’s days I count my calories to the point I might eat 1150 calories or maybe 975. I know I can get it lower so the next day it’s 760. The next day it can be less so it’s 630, then 525. Getting down to the lowest of 210 calories. That wasn’t just freshman year of high school. No I didn’t count calories then. When I got a smart phone my junior year it started. 210 calories was my first year at Southwestern. Beating each day with less calories made me happy. It made me feel like I was achieving something. I had control over something. Freshman year in high school I’d eat half a protein bar in my biology class first period. For lunch I’d eat an apple or orange maybe a bite or two of the sandwich I packed. I don’t remember eating dinner. Maybe I did or maybe I just pushed food around my plate. Freshman year I didn’t eat. I lost 40lbs in two months. I also lost a lot of my hair. That’s why I have thin hair. My thin hair is a constant reminder of the battle I fight. Sometimes I go through periods of eating everything I want. I eat the ice cream, the fried chicken, the salty fries, the candy and all the snacks. I feel guilty of eating it. I know I’m consuming more calories than one should eat in a day but I do so anyway. I don’t throw it up, I don’t use laxatives. I may go for a run but not to burn enough calories. No the next week or two or month I religiously watch what I eat. I count everything and if I’m hungry but out of calories, too bad. It’s a constant battle. A battle I cry over at least once a week. A battle I fight and get frustrated with so easily. I can’t look in the mirror sometimes because I know what I see isn’t what actually appears. I literally see someone twice the size of myself. The most recent time being Thursday evening (13 July 2017). So today while watching a movie I put in my calories and realized I only had 22 calories left for dinner. I ate a piece of candy. Now I’m over by 28 calories. And I will struggle to want to eat dinner tonight. I know I have a problem. I know what I see isn’t true. Today I started a new journey. Today for the first time I got professional help. Today I wrote about all my feelings in a journal about how I feel and all the questions that I have about this battle. Today I took my first step into remission. No one ever recovers from an eating disorder. The nature of chronic neurobiological conditions is that they cannot be cured. Eating disorders are either active or in remission. Remission can be permanent, or there can be flares of the condition in times of stress (a relapse). Today is my first day in remission. I’m sorry for those I have hurt. I’m sorry for those who have seen me struggle and only wanted the best for me. I’m now doing this for me. XOXO, A Gearle in Remission It's been almost eight months since my granddaddy passed away. And every day since then has been a struggle. Every week I cry and recently it's been more. I sometimes find myself crying a few times a week or even a day. Eight months is almost a year. That's enough time to grieve for many but of course everyone grieves at their own rate/ pace. I want to explain something. I want to explain why losing my granddaddy has been so hard and will continue to be.
I have or I should now say had lived with my granddaddy for seven years. Even before then I spent what I thought was three whole summers with my grandparents, comes to turn out it was only M-F for six weeks. I saw my mom on weekends but I promise you I don't remember seeing my mom while she was away earning her masters during the summer. For many people they only see their grandparents on special occasions or when the parents and grandparents decide to meet up. That was not the case for me. Not only did I live with my granddaddy for seven years and during some summers but he was my traveling companion. Every summer my mom and I would go on vacations with him. We visited all corners of the U.S. and everything in between. There's a photo of me and him by the biggest trees you've ever seen, sitting on a tractor, snoozing in a recliner, milking a cow, poking poop at the Grand Canyon, eating dinner on the train, celebrating New Year's Eve in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and so many more adventures. You see my granddaddy wasn't just another grandparent he was a parent and a hero. He was always so involved in everything I did. Y'all the man drove 750 miles BY HIMSELF to see me on stage for like fifteen minutes. That's a twelve hour drive in case you didn't know. And before that he and my granny drove 750 miles to see me dance for maybe five minutes in Snow Queen. He came to all the plays I was in; and all my award banquets. He even would remember to bring me flowers when my mom would forget. My granddaddy was my dad. He loved me and supported me from the beginning. He was not a man of many words (neither is my mom - this could explain why I talk a lot) but he was a man of many actions. When I first got my American Girl doll and I wanted her to be a gymnast he made me a balance beam for her. When I wanted a real Christmas tree he helped me get it and put it together. When I needed hay and a tractor for my birthday's he knew where to get the hay and how to drive a tractor. When I needed transportation and my mom wasn't available he would drive me. When I didn't bake the best cookies he reassured me that I did by eating all the cookies in two days. Maybe those are small things to you but to me they were the world and he was my world. You see I didn't just lose a grandparent that I saw every now and then. No I lost my granddaddy. These two words grand and daddy separate are just two words but when you put them together you get my whole world. The key word being grand. He was the grandest guy you could ever meet. He had stories grander than the titanic or the best football play ever played in the world. He was my world. He was everything I wanted to be. Quite at all the right times, smooth talker, good looking, smart with all sorts of knowledge, on point with politics (fun fact: my granddaddy always voted for Kinky Friedman so that Texas would legalize weed), a simple man with the perfect smile. He gave the best hugs and a joke always came afterwards. He saw the best and bright in everyone, even if you had fallen down. But he wasn’t just a grandparent but also a wonderfully amazing dad. He was the guy in my life that I could always rely on. Everything I did was for my mom and granddaddy and everything I continue to do is for them. My granddaddy was not just my granddaddy he was my whole world and continues to be. That's why this has been so hard and continues to be. I lost my whole world and I was in a differnt world when it happened. I didn't just lose a grandparent, I lost my world. XOXO, A gearle who lost her whole world Yesterday I made the three hour drive from Georgetown to Garland, Texas. It was not a drive I expected to make, it's not a drive anyone expects to make. I drove to Garland yesterday to be with my mom while she said her goodbyes to her best friend from college. No not just a see you later but an actual goodbye. Today the plug was pulled on her life. Like she won't be on a breathing machine anymore and slowly her organs will all fail and she'll be gone. She'll no longer be with us. This doesn't just break my heart because this is the fourth death for my mom and I in the past year but it's the fact that she still had brain activity.
Maybe my mom's friend had a living will and this would explain our question more. But my mom and I have had the same conversation at least five or six times in the past twenty-four hours. If there is still brain activity how can a family choose to pull the plug? Yesterday when my mom and I saw her friend it looked like she was trying to blink and maybe move when she heard my moms voice; she seemed to even be swalloing. Just as my mom was telling her sorry because she felt like she had been a terrible friend she (my mom's friend) blinked her eyes a few times and moved her leg. Maybe the it's the optimistic person in me; maybe it's the love I have for the people in my life but if someone I knew closely was on life support and the doctors still said he or she had brain activity I'm not sure I could pull the plug. I'm not sure I have the right. Granted if the person had wanted that then fine I'd led it be but still. My mom and I have had this conversation. Knock on wood *knock knock* if something were to ever happen to me I have told my mom to keep me on life support. I have the hope and optimism that I would come back. How can someone make the decision to take a life? A life that has brain activity? Someone who can't speak for themselves. Do we really have the say on that? How do doctors really know what is and isn't? How and why do we put so much faith in machines? Maybe it's because of everything I saw last summer with my granddaddy but I have personally lost faith in the medical field. My moms friend, her mother said that she could hear us. My mom's best friend from college could hear my mom talking to her. That has to say something. It has to mean something. How do we know that she isn't fighting on the inside trying to communicate to us? It's just her body isn't wanting to breathe. When do you pull the plug? Literally. When do you/ when is it okay to pull the plug on someone else's life? Who has the say in that? The nurse/ doctor/ resident that pulls the plug on someone, why do they get to take someone elses life? When I ask my mom what she would want to do she replies, "I don't want to rack up a lot of debt and be a burden to you but at the same time I don't know if I trust the doctors enough to know that I'm never going to wake up again. How do they know that whatever is keeping me on life support won't heal itself. The human body is a miraculous healer." Nothing can be done now. What's done is done. I can only hope and pray that my mom and her best friend are reunited in Heaven many decades from now. But I do urge you to have these types of conversations with your family. One is never too young or old to have this conversation. My mom and I have thourghly discussed this. I do leave you with this question(s) though: when do you, a person that is not the other person who is fighting for their life, decide to pull the plug on a life? Is it really your right? Is it really your choice? Once someone is gone they're never coming back. - A gearle who is wondering why the plug was pulled and if it was the right thing to do A year ago I wrote the blog The Hardest Thing. At the time the hardest thing I had to do was watch my granddaddy suffer doing the tiniest things. I had to watch him get out of breath walking from his chair to the kitchen. I heard him tell me sorry because he didn't know much longer he had and that it was so hard to live some days. He would say he felt useless. Hearing those words and seeing his actions were more painful for me than I can put into words. Accept I wish I could feel that pain then, than the pain I feel now - the pain that I feel everyday. The hardest thing I do everyday is living without my granddaddy. I can't walk across campus talking to him, I can't tell him about what idiotic Texas legislation is being discussed, I can't give him a hug, I can't tell him about London. The hardest thing to do is move on. My granddaddy was my hero and he was my dad. Recently every night I sleep with this bear that I made in honor of him and I cry myself to sleep at night because I just want to talk to him and give him a hug. I just want the one guy in the world who truly loved me and showed me the kindness and honesty that still hopefully exsists in this messed up world. Since August 29, 2016, life has been anywhere from tolerable to unbearable. Nothing has been as fun or happy. I struggle to find the motivation to do school work, show up to organization meetings, and communicate with my friends. The only joy in my life is Sigma Phi Lambda - I live for all those beautiful ladies. Losing my granddaddy is the hardest and the worse thing to ever happen to me. I can't even continue this post, this post is not even worthy. It does my granddaddy no justice. I'm sorry if I have been MIA or out of it lately friends, it's just really hard. I can't put into words how I feel. I can only stupidly cry about it. I'm sorry.
- a gearle who's dealing with the hardest thing she's ever dealt with Something that’s been on my mind lately is failure. I take failure very personally. Something that might only set me back half a step in my eyes sets me back five steps. I used to think failure was everything. That if I failed, everything failed and that then I wasn’t worthy.
Some of the things I’ve failed are tests and assignments both in high school and college. I failed Calculus my first year and dropped that class. I failed all my biology tests in London. I failed getting into my dream school, Rice University (of which I’m now thankful for because Southwestern has been better and more amazing than I could have ever imagined.) I epically failed at my last relationship. And I’m constantly failing God. We all fail. We all experience that pain. Sometimes we think we’re failing more than others (me). My sophomore year was a complete failure. From my relationship to school to friendships. The other night I was thinking about all my failures. From school, to home, to friends. I thought of a recent failure that really hurt me. I failed a really good friend. And for a good hour all of my failures came rushing to me. Memories haunted me, words screamed at me, papers came back. I asked myself how I could fail this much. I then asked God how I could have failed this much. And then it occurred to me that how can I truly fail when I have God? How can any of us fail when we know Him. Failing is part of his plans. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Failing is part of his plan and that’s okay. We have to trust and believe in him. Failing can be good. We can learn from it. Our greatest success comes from our hardest moments. I completely failed my sophomore year. I failed myself, my mom and granddaddy, my ex, my friends, my professors, my sisters. I failed everyone. But you know what? I wouldn’t change it. I wouldn’t change all the nights of crying and confusion. I wouldn't change the heartache. I endured it and now I embrace it. Because I failed so miserably I had to rebuild myself. I could tell you my name and major and that was it. Because I failed I have become this woman that I know and love. Someone that I am proud of. Someone who is stronger than ever before. Failing can be positive. We think it’s a weakness and we beat ourselves up for it but we don’t have to. God is not going to give us more than we can handle. 1 Corinthians 10:13 says, “No temptation(s) has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” God says we can handle it. We can handle our failures. He’s going to give us the tools and hope and inspiration to get through our tough times, our failure, our weakness. God wants to see us in our weak moments. He wants to show us what He can do. He wants us to turn to him. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” Psalm 9:9 says, “The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.” Your weakness, my weakness is an opportunity for God to show his strength in your life and in my life. God can do it all. He is all. He is the reason. We have to turn to Him in our weakest moments. In those times that we’ve have failed so miserably and so hard that we don’t recognize ourselves. We have to go to him when we’ve failed in our friendships, in our workplace, in the classroom. And it’s not going to be easy. You’ll think to yourself that you know you should turn to him. You’ll think to yourself that you don’t want him to judge you or be made at you. But you know what he’s not going to judge you. He’s not going to be mad at you. He just wants you to come home. Come home to Him. Go home to Him. Psalm 86:7 says, “When I am in distress, I call to you, because you answer me.” Go to him. Your failure will be made better. He will answer your prayer. It might not be right now, or tomorrow or the next day but eventually He will answer it. Maybe not in the way or form you were expecting but that’s okay. Failure makes us strong. This is our time to learn and grow. We can take our failure and go to God and grow closer to Him. The time is now. Job 5:21 says, “But if I were you, I would appeal to God; I would lay my cause before him. He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted.” Miracles and wonders will happen when you go to him. Go to him with your failure or your weakness and see what God can truly do for you. God is going to turn that frown upside down. All will be made right. Psalm 46:1 says, “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” God, He is there for help us in our weakest moments. He is our strength, He’s going to save us no matter what we’re in, where we are. He has a plan. He’s going to help us get through our failures. When we fail we have to get back up. We must get back up. God is by us. Jeremiah 8:4 says, “Jeremiah says to the people of Judah, ‘This is what the Lord says, You know if a man falls down he gets up again. And if a man goes the wrong way, he turns around and comes back.” Proverbs 24:16 says, “for though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again, but the wicked stumble when calamity strikes.” We must rise up and embrace and endure what is thrown our way. God is by our side. Failure makes us strong. Failure opens up new doors and new opportunities. Failure opens up new levels of creativity. Failure isn’t awesome and earning your failure titles is not awesome. It’s painful. Earning the name is horrible but pain has a way of unearthing beauty that we did not see. Pain can bring beauty. It allows us to appreciate the rainbow after a storm or the light after the big boom of a firework. When we’ve failed we have to dig ourselves up from where and when we’ve fallen. As we’re digging we find buried deep within our hearts pearls and souls. These pearls we find are hope, resilience, love, determination, the will to survive, the strength to stand, the ability to dream. Our greatest moments of success are born in our darkest moments. I lost who I was but now I’ve become this person that I’m proud of. I’ve learned to kiss the wave (the hardships, circumstances, failure, challenge, heartache) that is throws me against the Rock of Ages (the God of endless and eternal love, faith, and hope). The waves (turmoil and failure) are painful and hard to embrace but we must. They’re not the end but only the beginning. Our waves are our greatest and most patient teachers. When these failures come, turn to God. Pray. Pray that when the season is over that you’re able to look back with a thankful heart and kiss it fondly goodbye knowing that it served you and your future well. Romans 8:26-28 says, “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.” Trust in God. Failure leaders to success. Find the beauty in your failure and weakness. I’m thankful for weakness for insults, for hardships, for persecutors, for difficulties, for boxes. For when I am weak, then I am strong. God makes it all right. He makes it beautiful. He will show me the way. He will guide and help me. He will love me. XOXO, A gearle who's failed but sees the beauty in it Dear Eliquis users or future users,
Ask your doctor if Eliquis is right for you. If approved then ask yourself if gastrointestinal bleeding is right for you. Following that ask if family members are committed to making daily and weekly trips to see you in the hospital. Next ask yourself if you’re ready for the biggest fight of your life. Then ask your family members if they’re ready to bury you. And finally ask if you’re ready for your twenty year old granddaughter to ask to file a law suit against Eliquis. Have you asked the questions? I’m sure you didn’t. I’m sure you assumed what your doctor was prescribing you was safe. That’s exactly what happened to my grandfather, except we weren’t asked those questions, we lived through them. But the shocker? This isn’t the first time Eliquis has done this to a family and you can bet it’s not the last time either. We’ll come back to this but first a brief background on why Eliquis is now a forbidden word in my household. In the spring of 2016 my granddaddy went to the doctor and was diagnosed with an irregular heartbeat. The thought was to shock it back into rhythm. In doing so they needed to put him on a blood thinner for about a month. He accepted this and started taking the newly prescribed medication. Within a few days he started having gastrointestinal bleeding. My mom immediately took him to the ER and they did a colonoscopy and several other tests but could never find a cause of the bleeding. From the start of the bleeding until the tests were done he was given fifteen pints of blood. To give you a little retrospect of how much blood that is, there are eight pints in one gallon. So they ended up giving him a little less than two gallons of blood. TWO GALLONS!! That’s two milk jugs. The doctors chalked it up to being from the Eliquis so following that my granddaddy refused to take it. Little did we know that Eliquis was not done haunting and terrorizing our family. About a month later he began bleeding again, and again there was no real diagnosis only speculation. In the end, doctors basically told him that he could have his colon removed or he can be admitted to hospice and slowly bleed to death over the next three months. In the end he ended up passing away three months later (he did have his colon removed). So there you have our not so nice encounter with Eliquis. So for those of you who are wondering exactly what Eliquis is (other than obviously a blood thinner), Eliquis is an apixaban that’s used to prevent serious blood clots from forming due to a certain irregular heartbeat (atrial fibrillation) or after hip/knee replacement surgery. With atrial fibrillation, part of the heart does not beat the way it should. This can lead to blood clots forming, which can travel to other parts of your body (such as the lungs or legs) or increase your risk for stroke. So why am I saying to avoid Eliquis like the plague? After two rounds of gastrointestinal bleeding it was time to figure out what exactly my granddaddy put into his body. What did my mom and I find out? Well after reading arguments, trials, and the struggle of Eliquis getting approved we found ourselves asking why the hell it ever got approved in the first place. To begin with, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration delayed its approval for nine months. Following that we found that a large study was used to prove the drug’s safety and efficacy was heavily flawed. Some of these flaws include: inaccurate and missing data, patients receiving incorrect medication, patients receiving incorrect doses of medication, and failure to report adverse events, including deaths. Ummm FAILURE TO REPORT ADVERSE EVENTS, INCLUDING DEATHS!?!? That’s a major flaw! But these are just flaws with the study that was done on the initial drug. What’s another scary fact about Eliquis? There’s no antidote to it. Unlike older anticoagulants, Eliquis does not have an antidote. In December 2015, Portola Pharmaceuticals submitted an FDA application to approve an antidote for Eliquis and Xarelto. But, in August 2016, the FDA rejected it. *Note that all blood thinners increase the risk of serious and uncontrollable bleeding, which can lead to death. With no known antidote, doctors are limited in their ability to treat the side effect if it occurs. FDA Approval and Clinical Trial Cover-ups At one of the Chinese sites, records were altered and covered up and numerous good clinical practice guidelines were violated. Some include failure to report four adverse events, reported three adverse events late, and left three medical outcomes out of the data. It was also discovered that patient data sometimes vanished before FDA investigators visited. It was also discovered that a large amount of participants received the incorrect medication or incorrect dose of medication. A flaw in the study’s design caused some patients to receive a double dose of the drug or no drug at all, putting many people who needed some form of anticoagulation at a risk for stroke. Eliquis’ label wanted to add the drug caused less deaths than that of warfarin. The label would have claimed the drug demonstrated a significant reduction in all-cause mortality when compared to warfarin. If allowed, it would mean the manufacturers could claim people who took Eliquis died less often than those on warfarin, something Pradaxa and Xarelto couldn’t claim. The data from the trial indicated, with an extremely small amount of statistical significance, that the drug was safer than warfarin. However, one FDA reviewer said the significance was so small that if just one more person had died, the stat would be insignificant. The reviewer also criticized trial reports which indicated patients who had died were visiting doctors. Lawsuits The first lawsuit was filed by Deborah Herschel in July of 2015, a year before my granddaddy went into the hospital for the second time due to gastrointestinal bleedings. Donald Herschell, died from gastrointestinal and brain hemorrhages while taking Eliquis. Two months after beginning treatment with Eliquis, Herschell suffered gastrointestinal bleeding that doctors were unable to control, and died in the hospital that same day. The lawsuit claims Bristol-Myers and Pfizer concealed knowledge of Eliquis’ defects from the Herschells and their doctor. Mr. Herschel died from gastrointestinal hemorrhages, sound familiar? Eliquis direct-to-consumer ads were highlighted in a recent study published in Medical Care, where several experts complained that the ads misrepresented the level of preference prescribing physicians had for the drug. Let’s add another scary factor: It is important to note that out of the new generation of blood thinners, doctors know the least about Eliquis. Since it is so new, Eliquis has the least amount of bleeding injury reports, which means physicians are not fully aware of the nature of Eliquis bleeding injuries. A recent study published in the Journal of Neurosurgery stated that Eliquis lacked an extreme amount of experimental and clinical data available to the medical community. So family, friends, and strangers, to recap, the side affects of Eliqius are hemorrhage: serious bleeding in the gastrointestinal tract, serious bleeding in the brain, and serious bleeding within the eye. Ask your doctor if it’s truly safer than warfarin. Ask yourself if you know someone who takes this drug if they’re aware of this? I know that all blood thinners have a side affects that can lead to death but how many of them have had major screw ups and flaws in the actual drug. How many times do you really ask your doctor about the side affects? Do they get brushed over until you actually have a side affect. Do you really listen to the side affects on the drug commercials? I urge you to start listening. I urge you to ask questions. I especially urge you to call your doctor or share this information if you or a loved one takes Eliquis. I don’t want anyone else to ever go through the pain and suffering that I saw my granddaddy go through. If you’re not going to do it for yourself, do it for your friends and family. Do it for your grandkids. Do if for this stranger who lost the best man she ever knew. With a heavy heart, A Gearle who doesn’t want you to take Eliquis 2016 you have been one hellacious year. Let’s be real, the people have voted you off and we’re anxiously awaiting your replacement, 2017. We’re ready to tell you by and say hello to 2017. Out with the old and in with new! You get it friend? Personally, this year for me has been filled with many trials and tribulations. But I wasn’t the only one affected by you. You took out many amazing entertainment personalities that will forever live on in our hearts. Thank you to David Bowie, Prince, Carrie Fisher, Doris Roberts, Florence Henderson, George Michael, Muhammad Ali, Gene Wilder, Alan Rickman, Glen Frey, Harper Lee and too many others to list for all that you contributed to our lives. You brought with you Brexit, President-elect Trump, Russian hackers, the Brazilian football team Chapecoense Real plane crash, the death of Harambe the gorilla, multiple terrorist attacks both domestic and foreign, the conflict in Syria, exploding Galaxy Note phones, and exploding hover boards I guess you weren’t all bad though with the release of the new Beyonce and Bruno Mars albums, Adele’s concert tours, new chemotherapy breakthroughs in the fight against cancer, a decrease in child mortality, donations from the ice bucket challenge funding a potential ASL breakthrough, the iPhone 7, some would say Pokemon Go, and the release of two Star Wars movies. Personally though I took a big hit. I lost two important people in my life including my granddaddy. But here are sixteen things that I’m taking away from 2016 1. Life goes on after a death. I lost my granddaddy in 2016. He was my surrogate dad. He was always there for me. He was one of my biggest fans. I was devastated when he passed. I didn’t even want to go back to London and once there, often times I just wanted to come home. But through the adventures in London and calling my mom crying because of something that reminded me of my granddaddy or something I remembered he would never get to do again, I learned that life goes on. Life didn’t just stop to mourn his death, no it just kept going on. Even though I’m going to miss him dearly, it’s time for new traditions and new adventures. His legacy and memories will always live on. 2. Life goes on after a break up. After a long ten months of on again and off again confusion, a story finally came to an end. After getting back together for the umpteenth time and finally thinking it was perfect and it was going to work out, it didn’t. After no contact for over a month and being told through the grapevine he had another girlfriend, it was official. Though no words were spoken between either party, it had come to an end. Following the breakup I focused all of my attention on my granddaddy’s failing health, my two summer jobs, and on me. I learned life goes on after a breakup and what really matters is how you handle it afterwards. I came out better and happier than I was going into it. Often times I have to thank my ex for pushing me to become this better version of myself. I will never have hard feelings about the whole situation and I will always wish happiness his way. He’s a smart kid and I know one day he’ll make a difference in this world. 3. I can be independent. While being in London I learned to be independent. My internship required me to be independent. I had to ride the tube to and from Acton Town twice a week. An hour and half round trip when the tubes were working and on time gave me the confidence to explore other parts of London by myself. When I needed to go somewhere or wanted to go somewhere but couldn’t find someone to go with me I learned that I could do it all by myself. 4. I learned to be happy with myself. During the summer amongst all that was going on and all the tears that were being shed from everything going on, I learned at the end of the day the only person who is going to make me happy at this time in my life is me. I learned to work on myself and love myself. I learned to become happy with the person I was becoming. Now writing this or you reading this, I’ve never been happier and prouder of myself. I am happy with myself. 5. I can navigate a large foreign city by myself. Citymapper became my best friend in London! If you’ve ever traveled to a huge daunting city it can be pretty scary. It’s one thing to drive in Dallas or Atlanta traffic but it’s another thing to be a pedestrian in a huge city where you’re fighting for room to walk on the pavement (sidewalk) and keep up with the pace or squeeze yourself on the tube (basically a subway) during rush hour or find a place to stand or sit on a bus. Not only this but if you’re a pedestrian you can’t find street signs, cars are coming from opposite directions and black cabs love to use their horns at you. After being in London I can proudly say I learned how to navigate a large foreign city or at least survive it by myself. 6. British people are nice. Contrary to popular belief British people are quite nice. The only difference is they love to use the f word and they don’t have the same southern hospitality manners I am accustomed to. They don’t care about your cat Lulu and the cashier doesn’t care to know your life story. They’re just people who keep to themselves, which I actually like - though if you’re lucky then you’ll meet an amazing Brit who you can call you’re best friend. Finn and I battled walking through streets at rush hour and survived political talk about Brexit and American politics and also walking outside of zone 2 and figuring out how to get back to Kings Cross at night. And if you’re super lucky they’ll have a Christmas sweater that lights up! So don’t be scared to meet British people or Londoners, they’re pretty rad. 7. I learned working in retail positions is difficult and the public can be challenging. The summer of 2016 I had two awesome job opportunities. I was able to work at a local bakery and shoe store. Some days I would work from seven in the morning to eight at night. Both jobs required working with the public and I quickly learned that the public can be very cruel and at the end of the day the customer really is always right, no ifs ands or buts. Just accept it. Somehow though I managed to keep a smile on my face and I really grew to understand and respect those who work minimum wage jobs full time. 8. I learned that I can lose weight when I set my mind to it. If you know me then you know I’ve always battled with my weight. I was always the chunkiest in my dance classes and often times the chunkiest of my friends. I went through times when I would not eat anything or I would eat everything in site. This summer I discovered that with a lot of will power, a good eating plan, and the help from a Fitbit, it is possible to lose weight. Since June of 2016 I’ve lost about fifty pounds and I still have a ways to go but it truly is possible to lose weight in a healthy way, which is something I’ve always struggled with. 9. I learned to live on a budget. Because I knew I wasn’t going to be able to work while in London, I knew my only source of money was going to be from the two jobs I worked this summer. At the end of the summer I took stock of how much money I had and figured out how much money I could spend each week. From that I learned unexpected costs will always come up so beware or you may have to phone home. But, for the most part, I truly did survive on my summer earnings due to careful budgeting and a few sacrifices! 10. I learned I don’t need my phone 24/7. This one is self explanatory. While in London I put my phone down and picked up a book. I now detest using my phone and driving (public transportation has my heart). 11. It’s difficult to change people’s opinion especially when it comes to politics. Even though the Republicans had a horrible candidate that was racist, a liar, sexist, uncouth and downright unfit to be president, they still supported him and elected him president just because he claimed to be Republican (even though Hillary won the popular vote and the electoral college vote is outdated). It was impossible to change their mind and convince them to vote for anyone other than their party addiction. 12. I learned that racism still exists on a pretty big level in the US even though many of you strongly disagree. Walk in a person of color’s shoes for a few days and you may change your mind and see all the subtle and not so subtle racism that you believe doesn't exist. 13. I learned that racist behavior is not new even though it seems many people believe it is. Racism has been alive since the dawn of time and I can only hope that one day it will cease to exist. During this election though, I learned just how naive people are. We mistakenly believed that the race issue was getting better but then we got a presidential candidate that pretty much made blatant racism a thing again. We see more racist behavior or choose not to see it in the media because we now have cell phones that can record everything that has always been happening. This racism has always been here but no one had proof of it until now. It’s no longer he said she said. It’s all out there for the world to witness now. 14. I learned when you fall in mud just roll with it and you’ll later laugh at the memory. While in Scotland feeding and petting reindeer, I took a nasty fall into very cold mud that probably had reindeer poop in it. I cried and was so embarrassed when it happened but now I look back and laugh. Shout out to Anna for helping me and to Quinn and Kat for making memes. It actually hurts that I don’t have a glorious photo of me covered in mud and poop. When you fall in life just roll with it, make a meme, and shake it off 15. I learned I love veggie burgers. Don’t knock’em till you’ve tried them. No seriously I challenge you to try a veggie burger in this new year. I found that veggie burgers are often times better than the real thing. They’re also much healthier. 16. I learned how to cook British food. With the help of my phenomenal internship and some amazing students, I learned how to cook traditional British food. Though many people find it bland, I actually really enjoyed it. Don’t ask me how many cookbooks I came home with. And one to grow on - after a beautiful explosion, light and beauty always follow the darkness. Tonight fireworks will explode and bottles will be opened and kisses will be shared and after all of this a new year begins. I learned that light and beauty always follow after darkness and an explosion. Here’s to hoping 2017 is filled with beauty and light.
XOXO, A gearle who now knows sixteen more things. Tonight I let myself cry for the first time. I don't know why now. I don't know why after a month and a half I let my guard down. Maybe it was the perfect combination of looking out my window and seeing the rain drops hit my window. Or maybe it was the fact that no cars were passing and it was an empty, silent street and I was alone in my room. Much like my heart is empty and silent and I feel alone. Maybe it's the stress from this week. I don't know. Tonight I realized that my granddaddy is truly gone. That the man who raised me and let me take naps in his arms. The man who watched me grow up. The man who allowed me to travel the world with him. The man who knew all the family history. The man who would roll his eyes at me spending $4.00 on a fancy coffee. The first man that I truly loved and look up to is no longer around. I can't ask him questions about old photos. I can't ask him about his and my granny's love story. I can't ask him how to start a garden. I can't ask him about politics. I can't bake him peanutbutter cookies or peach cobbler or german chocolate cake ever again. I can't hear his enthiusiam about homemade ice cream and him talk about me going to college. I can't ever hear him laugh his smooth joyful life. No all I can do is tremble at the thought of this. All I'm thinking now is I should have said more. I should have asked more questions. I should have called him before I boarded the plane. I should have given him a bigger and tighter hug before I left. I should have loved him more - I should have shown him more. Tonight I relived the moment my mom called me on Monday 29th of August 2016. I was back in the bathroom getting dressed for that days excurssion and I knew it. I knew it the moment my fitbit started buzzing and I saw the words "Mamma Bear...Mommy" flash across it wasn't good. Why was my mom calling me at 2A.M. her time? I answered the phone and she was so calm. There was almost a laugh of disbelief in her voice. And before she could say it I knew what was coming. And I heard her voice say, "I'm going to ruin your morning but Granddaddy...he passed away Gardendale called..." And while she was saying those words I could here my granddaddy's voice on the phone saying, "Your mother, she's not breathing. She's cold. She won't move." And we rushed downstairs. And I saw my granny except this time I saw my granddaddy like I had seen him so many times in the hospital. I sat down on the toilet and I didn't believe it. I haven't believed it. The funeral was not real. I didn't fly home. I didn't. None of it was true. It was all a dreamm I'm going to come home from London and my granddaddy is going to be waiting with open arms and he's going to ask, "Did you have some fish and chips?" Except tonight I realized that that's not true. That it did happen. That the man I loved the most is gone. That this feeling....this feeling is significantly greater than losing the boy I loved. Allow me to go through last year all over again but don't THIS be true... that he's gone. This time, this time my best friend, my hero, my granddaddy, my father was stolen and I don't know why. (Except I do know why and he wasn't stolen but it feels that way.) Tonight I've cried and I've trembled and I've snotted all over my laptop and comforter and I don't feel any better. I feel defeated. I feel lost. I feel empty. I feel alone. Tonight I want my granddaddy to hold my hand. I want to walk in a garden with him. The only song that sticks with me right now is: I come to the garden alone While the dew is still on roses And the voice I hear falling On my ear the son of God discloses And He walks with me and He talks with me And He tells me I am His own And the joy we share as we tarry there None other has ever known He speaks and the sound of His voice Is so sweet the birds hush their singing And the melody that He gave to me Within my heart is ringing This is me trying to figure out how I'm going to go on without him. Me uncertain of the future. Me just barely getting by. And the photo of him, well that's just my granddaddy frustrated that he was stranded in a canyon in Hawaii and thinking we were going to miss our boat. Dear Granddaddy,
There's a note that you have that only you and me know what's in it. Only you and I know the deep meaning that's behind it. You were laid to rest with it. Everything in it is true and everything I've ever promised will come true. I want to thank you for raising my mom to be such an amazing woman. Thank you for giving her the memories that she has. Thank you for being an unbelievable father to three amazing kids. Thank you for letting my mom and I spend the last six years with us. Thank you for helping raise me. Thank you for talking politics with me. Thank you for all you taught me. Thank you for always believing in me. Thank you for attending all my dance recitals whether they were 3 minutes away, thirty miles away, or 700 miles away. I hope you know how much you truly mean to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you, thank you, thank you. - Your favorite granddaughter P.s. - Next time I'm in Zilker Park please help my kite fly high. Let it reach the stars. Let it fly high like you have. https://www.facebook.com/abby.earle.7/videos/1444558458893003/?l=6172919490742590496 Thank you for helping raise me. (This video means everything to me. That's why I've added the link.) Tonight I let myself cry. Tonight I truly grieved for the first time. I know it won't be the last time and I'll have to be okay with that. Tonight I hurt. Tonight I'm in more emotional and physical pain than I knew I could be. I feel more alone than I ever have. My family is 4000 miles away and it's still another two months before I see them. This is hard. It's hard going forward alone. So how am I doing? A part of me has died and gone else where. I hurt and I'm scared. I wish I could be postive and optimistic in this but I can't. Not right now. Until next time, (I'm sorry but no XOXO this time) Abigail |
Abby & AndreaA college student trying to figure out the world with her mom by herside. Life through my lens (Abby). We all have different stories and these are only some of mine. Some funny, some adventurous, some hard. Sit back and relax. Enjoy. Archives
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