“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.”
― Harper Lee, To Kill A Mockingbird
― Harper Lee, To Kill A Mockingbird
I remember like it was yesterday, a day that would bring an everyday battle into my life. If you entered the cafeteria from the high school side there on the left was the girls bathroom. Three stalls painted some color or maroon, white or black. One sink with a mirror above it and a paper towel dispenser to the right of the sink. I was wearing my blue fuzzy jacket that I thought looked enough like a Columbia jacket that could be cool. Two other girls were in the bathroom as well - my two friends. They were wearing a black and white polo. I watched them look in the mirror and critique their bodies. I would say their sizes were between a two and a four. They were tiny. No fat, at least not like the amount I had. They stood in the mirror and said how fat they were. How big they were. How ugly they were. I looked at them and heard their words and aspired to be their size compared to my 1XL shirt and size eighteen pants. I heard those words and looked at myself and thought to myself what am I then? I’m huge. I’m an elephant, a hippo, a rhino. I. AM. THE. FAT. ONE. The boys in seventh grade were right. The earth does shake when I walk.
I don’t remember when it started. I don’t know if it started the next day or the next. I know that from that day I started the biggest battle of my life. A battle I fight every day. Someday’s days I count my calories to the point I might eat 1150 calories or maybe 975. I know I can get it lower so the next day it’s 760. The next day it can be less so it’s 630, then 525. Getting down to the lowest of 210 calories. That wasn’t just freshman year of high school. No I didn’t count calories then. When I got a smart phone my junior year it started. 210 calories was my first year at Southwestern. Beating each day with less calories made me happy. It made me feel like I was achieving something. I had control over something. Freshman year in high school I’d eat half a protein bar in my biology class first period. For lunch I’d eat an apple or orange maybe a bite or two of the sandwich I packed. I don’t remember eating dinner. Maybe I did or maybe I just pushed food around my plate. Freshman year I didn’t eat. I lost 40lbs in two months. I also lost a lot of my hair. That’s why I have thin hair. My thin hair is a constant reminder of the battle I fight. Sometimes I go through periods of eating everything I want. I eat the ice cream, the fried chicken, the salty fries, the candy and all the snacks. I feel guilty of eating it. I know I’m consuming more calories than one should eat in a day but I do so anyway. I don’t throw it up, I don’t use laxatives. I may go for a run but not to burn enough calories. No the next week or two or month I religiously watch what I eat. I count everything and if I’m hungry but out of calories, too bad. It’s a constant battle. A battle I cry over at least once a week. A battle I fight and get frustrated with so easily. I can’t look in the mirror sometimes because I know what I see isn’t what actually appears. I literally see someone twice the size of myself. The most recent time being Thursday evening (13 July 2017). So today while watching a movie I put in my calories and realized I only had 22 calories left for dinner. I ate a piece of candy. Now I’m over by 28 calories. And I will struggle to want to eat dinner tonight. I know I have a problem. I know what I see isn’t true. Today I started a new journey. Today for the first time I got professional help. Today I wrote about all my feelings in a journal about how I feel and all the questions that I have about this battle. Today I took my first step into remission. No one ever recovers from an eating disorder. The nature of chronic neurobiological conditions is that they cannot be cured. Eating disorders are either active or in remission. Remission can be permanent, or there can be flares of the condition in times of stress (a relapse). Today is my first day in remission. I’m sorry for those I have hurt. I’m sorry for those who have seen me struggle and only wanted the best for me. I’m now doing this for me. XOXO, A Gearle in Remission
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Abby & AndreaA college student trying to figure out the world with her mom by herside. Life through my lens (Abby). We all have different stories and these are only some of mine. Some funny, some adventurous, some hard. Sit back and relax. Enjoy. Archives
March 2018
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