“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.”
― Harper Lee, To Kill A Mockingbird
― Harper Lee, To Kill A Mockingbird
Tonight I let myself cry for the first time. I don't know why now. I don't know why after a month and a half I let my guard down. Maybe it was the perfect combination of looking out my window and seeing the rain drops hit my window. Or maybe it was the fact that no cars were passing and it was an empty, silent street and I was alone in my room. Much like my heart is empty and silent and I feel alone. Maybe it's the stress from this week. I don't know. Tonight I realized that my granddaddy is truly gone. That the man who raised me and let me take naps in his arms. The man who watched me grow up. The man who allowed me to travel the world with him. The man who knew all the family history. The man who would roll his eyes at me spending $4.00 on a fancy coffee. The first man that I truly loved and look up to is no longer around. I can't ask him questions about old photos. I can't ask him about his and my granny's love story. I can't ask him how to start a garden. I can't ask him about politics. I can't bake him peanutbutter cookies or peach cobbler or german chocolate cake ever again. I can't hear his enthiusiam about homemade ice cream and him talk about me going to college. I can't ever hear him laugh his smooth joyful life. No all I can do is tremble at the thought of this. All I'm thinking now is I should have said more. I should have asked more questions. I should have called him before I boarded the plane. I should have given him a bigger and tighter hug before I left. I should have loved him more - I should have shown him more. Tonight I relived the moment my mom called me on Monday 29th of August 2016. I was back in the bathroom getting dressed for that days excurssion and I knew it. I knew it the moment my fitbit started buzzing and I saw the words "Mamma Bear...Mommy" flash across it wasn't good. Why was my mom calling me at 2A.M. her time? I answered the phone and she was so calm. There was almost a laugh of disbelief in her voice. And before she could say it I knew what was coming. And I heard her voice say, "I'm going to ruin your morning but Granddaddy...he passed away Gardendale called..." And while she was saying those words I could here my granddaddy's voice on the phone saying, "Your mother, she's not breathing. She's cold. She won't move." And we rushed downstairs. And I saw my granny except this time I saw my granddaddy like I had seen him so many times in the hospital. I sat down on the toilet and I didn't believe it. I haven't believed it. The funeral was not real. I didn't fly home. I didn't. None of it was true. It was all a dreamm I'm going to come home from London and my granddaddy is going to be waiting with open arms and he's going to ask, "Did you have some fish and chips?" Except tonight I realized that that's not true. That it did happen. That the man I loved the most is gone. That this feeling....this feeling is significantly greater than losing the boy I loved. Allow me to go through last year all over again but don't THIS be true... that he's gone. This time, this time my best friend, my hero, my granddaddy, my father was stolen and I don't know why. (Except I do know why and he wasn't stolen but it feels that way.) Tonight I've cried and I've trembled and I've snotted all over my laptop and comforter and I don't feel any better. I feel defeated. I feel lost. I feel empty. I feel alone. Tonight I want my granddaddy to hold my hand. I want to walk in a garden with him. The only song that sticks with me right now is: I come to the garden alone While the dew is still on roses And the voice I hear falling On my ear the son of God discloses And He walks with me and He talks with me And He tells me I am His own And the joy we share as we tarry there None other has ever known He speaks and the sound of His voice Is so sweet the birds hush their singing And the melody that He gave to me Within my heart is ringing This is me trying to figure out how I'm going to go on without him. Me uncertain of the future. Me just barely getting by. And the photo of him, well that's just my granddaddy frustrated that he was stranded in a canyon in Hawaii and thinking we were going to miss our boat. Dear Granddaddy,
There's a note that you have that only you and me know what's in it. Only you and I know the deep meaning that's behind it. You were laid to rest with it. Everything in it is true and everything I've ever promised will come true. I want to thank you for raising my mom to be such an amazing woman. Thank you for giving her the memories that she has. Thank you for being an unbelievable father to three amazing kids. Thank you for letting my mom and I spend the last six years with us. Thank you for helping raise me. Thank you for talking politics with me. Thank you for all you taught me. Thank you for always believing in me. Thank you for attending all my dance recitals whether they were 3 minutes away, thirty miles away, or 700 miles away. I hope you know how much you truly mean to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you, thank you, thank you. - Your favorite granddaughter P.s. - Next time I'm in Zilker Park please help my kite fly high. Let it reach the stars. Let it fly high like you have. https://www.facebook.com/abby.earle.7/videos/1444558458893003/?l=6172919490742590496 Thank you for helping raise me. (This video means everything to me. That's why I've added the link.) Tonight I let myself cry. Tonight I truly grieved for the first time. I know it won't be the last time and I'll have to be okay with that. Tonight I hurt. Tonight I'm in more emotional and physical pain than I knew I could be. I feel more alone than I ever have. My family is 4000 miles away and it's still another two months before I see them. This is hard. It's hard going forward alone. So how am I doing? A part of me has died and gone else where. I hurt and I'm scared. I wish I could be postive and optimistic in this but I can't. Not right now. Until next time, (I'm sorry but no XOXO this time) Abigail
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Abby & AndreaA college student trying to figure out the world with her mom by herside. Life through my lens (Abby). We all have different stories and these are only some of mine. Some funny, some adventurous, some hard. Sit back and relax. Enjoy. Archives
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